What would life be without the joys of life? What would it be like without the soft kisses in the early mornings? Hugs that emulate every ounce of innocence in the world... the little fingers that reach out to touch your face in the deep hours of the moon? The blessings of raising little ones can be seen through many joys… but also made evident through hardships and heartbreaks.
If you asked me if I ever thought I would experience a miscarriage, I probably would have said no. No one in my family had, not even my own mother. Or at least no one’s ever talked about it if they had. But I did. And it’s effected how I receive joy in my life since that day.
Our Miscarriage Story: A Winter Storm
It was snowing, but it wasn’t just snowing. The soft petals of ice that drifted down from the sky were more than just a hardened state of water, they were the first to fall. The first to cleanse the ground from the timely arrival of winter. A season of bitterness, and emptiness. It was this annual ritual that also was cleansing my soul. For you see, the steps I took into that winter, where the first steps I took after hearing the news I had already been hearing in my heart. That the heartbeat which was once rhythmically dancing with my own was no longer there. And as a result, I was now confined to return to the solace of my own familiar tune, waiting for another dance that now seemed elusive and fleeting.
For you see this heartbeat was so wanted. And now, as the snow kissed my face and crunched beneath my boots, the thought of when this blessing might return began to haunt me. It made me fear the future, and whether I could be patient enough. I didn’t like the feeling that I wasn’t in control of my families future, but it was the feeling I needed to let God work great things in my life.
Our Miscarriage Story: The Message
You know, it’s amazing how God uses children to bring us closer to him. In fact, He prepared me for the loss of this child through the children I already had... We shared the joy of this pregnancy almost immediately with our two boys, then 3 and 1.5. I believe that every life should be celebrated, no matter how long, so this joy is never kept to ourselves for very long. The boys were excited no doubt. They asked about the baby, prayed for the baby... and one day spoke truth about the baby.
I had just returned from my first appointment with my midwife. A routine checkup, basic protocol to get to know one another for the journey ahead. But the conversation with my oldest didn’t go quite as routine. He did ask where I was. I replied, “The doctor. To talk about the baby.” And his reply are words that have stayed in my heart like stone, “Oh, because the baby died.”
“What?! No, honey the baby is still there.”
“No mommy, the baby died in your tummy.”
Our Miscarriage Story: The Day We Called You by Name
A mix of intuition and fear that God had spoken truth through my three year old, I put this conversation aside, careful not to disregard it completely. But as intuition would have it, this gentle preparation for the future transpired four weeks later. In the end, our oldest named the baby. We felt his connection to his sibling was far greater than any earthy relationship, and so we dearly refer to our angel baby as Esther. We don’t know if it was a boy or girl. But, I feel it’s a suited name for such a heavenly child and a treasure it deeply.
Our Miscarriage Story: The Toxic Tornado and It’s Companion, Guilt
Through the months that we tried conceiving this child, I can humbly say I became swept up in hopes for a girl. It made me fearful, controlling, and unhappy. I knew this wasn’t the way I was supposed to be growing my family- But I continued struggling with Gender Disappointment. I felt like I was in a toxic tornado, swirling to no end. And even after this conception, I was still fearing the idea that I might never experience a daughter in our family. It’s not a proud moment in my life, but it was a cornerstone towards finding great joy.
Read more about my journey with Gender Disappointment here: The Day We Called You by Name
And then when we lost this child, great guilt flooded me. Why did I not cherish this blessing to it’s fullest potential. How selfish and abominable it all was now. How silly.... that I thought I had full control. I was embarrassed... But as I walked into that first snowfall, something happened. A cleansing.
Our Miscarriage Story: Cleansing the Pain
As the snow fell, so did the afflictions of my past actions. They no defined what God had planned for my future, and what a freeing feeling that was. And thinking back to that moment, I can see how much grace was laid on me in those first few moments of grief. And I can’t tell you how thankful I am for that. Through this trial and pain, God brought great joy. And not only that, he changed how I was going to except joyful moments in the future.
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How good and gracious he was to me then. When I was willing to meet him with an open heart, ready for acceptance of our families future, he did great things. And just a month after that first snowfall, I came to him in prayer.
Our Miscarriage Story: An Answered Prayer
Not a crazy exorbitant one. We happened to be driving in the car, and internally, I asked God to grant me peace that He had our families future in his hands. And as I looked up, a rainbow vibrantly displayed across the sky. “Ok God, I hear you LOUD and CLEAR. Wow, just... thank you.” I still get goosebumps when I think back to that moment. The peace I felt was other-worldly. We gave birth to our daughter, nine months later.
I don’t know where you are on your journey to conceiving. But today I want to be a positive voice to you. That while we might not know the reasons of our afflictions now, I pray that we will all come to see great joys through them. There is a special peace for you in this storm, trust in him. It might be the hardest thing you’ve ever done, but it could also be the most worth it.
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Our Miscarriage Story: Beluga Baby Reid + Rett Rainbow Legacy Collection
Beluga Baby, a brand that I hold dear to my heart and helped keep our rainbow baby there too, has designed this beautiful Rainbow print with writer, dreamer, and mother Emma Hansen. If you are unfamiliar with her son’s Reid + Rett, I encourage you to read their journey through Emma’s thoughtful and beautiful words.
This collaboration between Beluga Baby and Emma Hansen was designed to emulate the light of all angel babies, and support stories of grief and joy in life after child loss. How much joy it brings me to see our Rainbow Baby wearing a Beluga Baby Reid + Rett Doll Carrier! After so many months carrying her in a Beluga Baby wrap, I now get to see the little mama in her heart come out to play. Home, grocery store, RV show, you name it and I’m going to let her wear her Beluga Baby Doll Carrier. There really is no sweeter thing to see!
And there is no greater honour, than to honour the precious lives lost and the lives that follow. While dark days happen, so do rainbow’s and their ability to guide us to joy.
Let this Beluga Baby collection guide you to joy.
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